Please feel free to speak your mind about if you think i have potential, which i dont think i do lol. Thanks 
It was a perfect sunny day in L.A, the sun was gleaming, and the sky was a perfect shade of blue and not one cloud in sight. I was wearing my favourite outfit for this type of weather a black and pink spotted bikini, lounging it up on the terrace of my apartment, it was sheer bliss.
This was nothing like where I used to live, in a small, drab old village in South Wales, United Kingdom, where big, dark, black clouds hung over the town like an omen. There I lived with my older twin brother Cameron, my sister, Stephanie and both my parents, Alannah and James. It goes without saying my brother and I always looked a lot like each other, with dark brown hair and big, bold green eyes. Since we were young we have always been close and although he is only ten minutes younger than me he has always acted as if he were ten years older. Stephanie our younger sister is seventeen years old and we also have two other twin brothers, Jamie and Johnathon who are twenty eight.
I hated living in Wales, it was always so cold and wet, where everyone knew everyone else’s business and if they didn’t they would sure find a way.
Man it feels so good to be lying here in this blistering heat.
‘’Hey there gorgeous’’ I heard from the right of me. The apartment I live in is beautiful; it has everything a small town girl could have ever wished for, with an outdoor swimming pool on the lower terrace a bathroom I could play baseball in and a bedroom that could fit ten queen size beds, the only downside was that the top terrace and the balcony are conjoined with the neighbours, the only separation being a Perspex wall.
I turned my head to reveal a stunning looking guy staring right at me grinning like a Cheshire cat. The guy had tame, light brown curly hair just above his shoulders, dark tanned body, and an athletic physique; he must have been around ten feet tall and was completely dazzling.
‘’Hey’’ I replied in a bored tone of voice, returning my head to its original position.
’Stunning view isn’t it?’’ I turned my head back towards him.
‘’The view, of the scenery’’ he sniggered nodding towards the beach. I let out an uninterested laugh and got up and walked into my apartment without another word or any other acknowledgment towards him, I could hear him laughing to himself and a huge grin spread across my face.
In the apartment I started to make myself a Mojito, I grabbed a highball glass from the cupboard and added two teaspoons of sugar to it, three sprigs of mint and lime juice, I then mashed it all up, added the rum and ice, poured the tonic water and garnished it with lime slices, mint and a straw, without being modest it looked and tasted perfect, and so it should now that I have bought a club. The club has proved to be very successful with big celebrity names like Paris Hilton and Rihanna attending. The name is original of course and self titled, ’The Club’. I have never been neither creative nor an inventive person and found this name very necessary. I took a sip of my delicious Mojito, put the T.V on and sat in front of it. It was four o’clock in the afternoon and T.V listings in America were nothing like British T.V, that’s the only thing I miss about living in the U.K along with family, after flicking through nearly every channel I switched it back off and went to run myself a bath, ready for my night out on the tiles.
It was so peaceful laying in the bath, no one disturbing me and the only noise being the luxurious bubbles crackling gently around me, I felt like I had died and gone to heaven, I took a big sip of my Mojito and remembered all the times I would have to state an announcement each time I wanted to go in the shower or bath when I lived back at home, and even then I still couldn’t get any privacy. I closed my eyes, I was awoken but a huge scream and what sounded like a few men laughing, I looked at the time it was six o’ clock I had fallen asleep for two hours and the water was freezing, I looked around and could see bits of mint and lime floating around and realised I had dropped my glass into the water. I grabbed a towel off the shelf and got out.
An hour later I was sitting fully dressed on the top terrace smoking a cigarette. I decided to wear white cropped shorts; a black top that slouched off the shoulder and black platform shoes, my long brown hair was curly with sultry looking eyes and highly glossed lips. I took a puff on my cigarette and could hear male voices from next door, it was weird I had lived here in Malibu two years and had never had anyone else live next door to me.
Yeah I thought I focused on the trivial like the bath and the making of the mojito, and I have been trying to minimise it but its quite difficult lol. I only started this tonight but thanks for your opinions they are more encouraging than i thought they would be, I actually grinned like a cheshire cat reading lmao.
Any other details like how to be less chatty would be appreciated thanks Astrobat, you have been the most detailed with the replies, and have helped me quite a deal, I wish there was another way of contacting you, as I said I have only started this tonight and have all these ideas in my head but can’t find a way to get them down like I imagine them. I never wanted it to be chatty but the first chapters are about the character being lonely and I am not quite sure how else to put this across. I have never done anything like this before so it’s a new thing to me as you can definitely tell lol. Thanks again to you all for your constructive criticism I actually thought I would get insults so its appreciated lol.
You focus too much on trivial details of circumstance: precise clothing types, drink ingredients, etc. They add a nice flair for the bookworm-ish, but not much else.
The strength I’ve noticed is an underpinning whimsical humor and imagination. It’s cute how you describe your "Mojito" and drinking it; the Cheshire cat is another telling reference. Carroll would be a good model for your underlying narrative tendencies. So yeah, basically I’d say explore and sharpen your whimsical, almost satirical storytelling and you’ve really got something unique, interesting, and endearing there.
And also, you need more "edge". By edge, I mean engaging, unexpected, perspective-altering segues and even cliffhangers at the end of major sections or in the process of building up to them. It was an interesting observation at the end about no direct neighbors in two years, but the best way to engage the reader is to tease and defy their expectations. This will surprise them and compel them to seek further information to regain stability in their reading experience. So perhaps one of these noisy neighbors turns out to be dark, mysterious, and handsome, making eye contact with her when she wasn’t prepared for it, and perhaps serendipitously bumping into her physically - or almost - at some early point (that’s a smash introduction, if cliche’ed; but hey, it’s just an illustrative example). Set the readers up on a steady, interesting, yet fairly predictable path, and then WHAM! Have a bear jump out of the foliage (metaphorically speaking), totally overturning their previous expectations which you had so expertly manipulated up to that point. This is what they will find enriching about the experience and thank you as an author for; they’re looking for something NEW in a book, otherwise they’d stick to their same old lives which they don’t have to go through the effort of reading. So, fulfilling, nicely cohesive, surprising story-advancing events will be what they find most rewarding and worth reading about. Also it’d be nice to tie up the whole story with a moral, or underlying purpose; a lesson to be imparted so they’ll remember it as having been more than a momentary, temporary fling of literary passion.
Kudos!
(Oh yes, to be less chatty, try focusing on the inner psychology of the characters in the narrative primarily; this will produce a rich reactive experience to the objective events with which the audience can truly identify. I think an old lesson I learned in protagonist writing is that you don’t have to get the audience to agree with them necessarily, but it really is essential to get the audience to UNDERSTAND them; sharing some of their personal ideologies offhand, perhaps in a seemingly unintentional, circumstantial way would achieve this rather elegantly and in a not so conspicuous manner - again letting it seep into the reader’s unconscious, enhancing their involvement in the story).
PS, one more important note: what a story is essentially ENTIRELY about is one thing - wish fulfillment. Like a dream. I can see that this is a sort of wish fulfillment process for you - the narrator as a small-town girl is probably modeled after you, and what could be more stimulating or liberating and fulfilling than being in the biggest and most extravagant of big cities: LA. The primary wishes for which people seek unconscious fulfillment through art are threefold: sexual/romantic fulfillment (which is sublimated sometimes into heroic triumph), their secret Freudian death wishes (which is why they love to see characters sacrificed - it represents a subconscious liberation from the hardships and strains of material life, and does not necessarily represent their literal wish for death, simply metaphorical release), and ideological liberation (thus the attraction to stories which have something to teach, broaden and open their intellectual horizons, "liberating" them). If you understand which of these primary themes you’re focusing on (sometimes more than one), you’ll have an easier time making decisions about which plot twists and events to include where, and at what time, to build to the final enlightening climax (the ultimate "liberation" they seek, for whichever of these wishes). Hope that helps.
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Interviews with twins, and parents of twins
Parents Rosie and Siamo are raising the two infants who were born at Denver Zoo on March 10, 2008. Both parents, and the infants older siblings, take turns carrying the babies on their backs.
holy crap!!!!!