Would you be angry with your spouse if he did these things and you were having twins in one month?
Should I be upset at my spouse, or am I being silly?
1)My spouse and I have been together for 10 years, and although we have a common law marriage in Alabama, and paper showing a domestic partnership in GA, we never actually got a marriage certificate. We were trying to conceive for 10 months before we became pregnant, so it is very much a planned pregnancy. Both of our parents would very much like us to before the twins come, and although hubbie agreed we should do this before we have children together, he is refusing to go whenever he has a day off, saying he doesn’t have time, but spending hours in front of the TV instead.
2) At Christmas time, his parents asked him what I wanted for Christmas. I responded I just wanted an alarm clock because he took mine, and I have 8am doctor’s appointments about once a week I need an alarm for. He refused to tell them that, saying he was tired of all of the cheap alarm clocks he buys breaking a few months after he buys them.
3) Hubbie went to his parents house (1.5 hours away) for New Year’s Eve, even though my parents who live half way across the country came to visit us for just that one day. We had just been to his parents house for Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
4) We are having twins in about a month, and he is insisting he have his own room so he can have his own space and sleep better than he would with me and 2 babies. I am fine with this, but we live in a 2 bedroom house, so that means the twins are with me. I therefore made room for all the twins stuff by putting his stuff (cardboard boxes he hadn’t even looked at for 4 years) in his room. I got rid of most of the extra items I had (like books, old clothes, etc.) to make room for the twins as well. All of the items for the twins (including bassinett, clothes, rocker, bouncers) are now in my room. He got angry and pouty and nasty because his boxes cluttered up his room, which already contains many unpacked cardboard boxes full of his stuff that he doesn’t use, look at etc. I offered to organize / sort his stuff and he declined my offer. (I know what is in the boxes, it is tons of books, D&D stuff he hasn’t played with in 20 years etc.) His room is a good size, with a full sized closet. The one the twins and I have is larger, being the master bedroom, and has 1.5 closets.
5) The worst thing to me is today he said if my mother comes down to help me for two weeks when he is working and I am recovering from a C-section, she has to stay in the same bedroom as the twins and myself, since sleeping on the couch in the living room would interrupt his 2am TV time, and giving up his room to sleep with me and the twins or on the couch himself might make him lose some sleep while I am recovering from surgery and breastfeeding twins. I don’t think it is right to expect me, my mom, and 2 twins to stay in the same room just so he can have the rest of the house to himself without any inconveniences.
6) He informed me today that he will never change a diaper, because his job is to make money, and mine is to take care of the twins without help. I don’t know if he was joking, but he seemed angry and serious, and in light of everything else he’s been saying and the way he is acting he may very well have meant it.
7) A couple years back I paid for him to do nothing but loaf around for an entire year, during which he was not working, cleaning the house, cooking, going to school or doing anything else, so it isn’t like he has always been the provider. This is the first time I have ever had him support me, or pay more than his share. Most of the time I was the one paying for the majority of things. And for more than a year he contributed nothing at all, and did nothing at all.
He put the cat box (cats we got together and both agreed on) outside, and while it was outside one of the cats pooped on the floor. I was the one who had to clean the cat poo and the cat box risking toxoplasmosis, and when I commented on it he said it was my fault.
9) My parents invited us to go to the beach about 10 hours away in a few months when the twins will be 6 months old. This would be a free vacation for us (we are on a tight budget), and a chance for my parents who live very far away to see the twins. Also a lot of other relatives on my dads side will be there, so they can meet both my spouse and the twins. Hubbie is refusing to go because he doesn’t want to be in the car that long, even if he doesn’t have to drive. (most annoying thing #2 for me).
10) I was having a really good day until he ruined it by being mean and sourly, and starting all this junk.
At first when he mentioned the thing with my mom today I thought well, I guess no one can come help me then. But then the more I thought about it the madder I got. I then confronted him about it, telling him it was unreasonable for him to expect no inconvenience when we were having twins, and he just got nasty and sarcastic. It isn’t that he doesn’t like m
It isn’t that he doesn’t like my mom, he has said before that he does like my parents.
Am I wrong to be upset and disturbed by his recent behavior? He isn’t always like this, it seem to ebb and flow, but I just can’t believe he would suddenly turn like this when he was so good throughout the rest of the pregnancy.
Do you think I have the right to order him to deal with my mom’s being here and sleeping on the couch or in his room (his choice) and telling him he has to go to the beach this summer? Is it reasonable for me to expect him to keep his promise about getting our marriage on paper before the birth of our twins? Does he have a right to be angry and moody for days because I put his stuff in "his" room, which otherwise would be a nursery?
Am I right to be upset?
Or is he right to assume us having twins should in no way disturb him since he works 40 hours a week?
You are not being silly…. lets see if I can put my 2 cents in….
1. Are you saying he won’t marry you on his day off? What time would be better? Get married while he is at work? Maybe he should take an extra day off so that he feels rested enough to just make it down the aisle.
2. Buy your own alarm clock. Cheaper the better! (my alarm clock was 5 bucks at walmart. It’s small and pink and I’ve had it 3 years)
3. That was very inconsiderate of him. I’d be pissed too. How selfish and unkind to you.
4. Tell him to get over it. The name of the game is compromise. He wants his own room? His own $hit has to go along with him. To be fair, my husband and I don’t often sleep in the same room. He snores and he goes to bed EARLY cause he has get up for work at 2:30am. I either sleep in my son’s bed or the guest room. This works just fine for us and we are very happy.
5. He needs to get used to the fact that he is going to lose sleep. With 2 new babies in the house, NO ONE gets to have 8 hours beauty rest. I don’t care if he is the breadwinner. You are still going to need help after your mom leaves. In my situation, my husband was at work by 4am, so I really did most of the nighttime duties, but on his days off, I got to sleep in! I also work full time, so I went to work half asleep for months! Put your foot down. Your mom is there to help BOTH of you. he can suck it up for 2 damn weeks and be "inconvienenced."
6. My husband said the same thing. Not about it being my job to change diapers- because we both work, just that he wouldn’t do it. he said he changed his nephew’s diaper some 16 yrs before-once- and it was digusting and he would never do it again, And, while I was on maternity leave, I changed the baby’s diaper 100%. But, I had to go back to work when he was 5 weeks old. My husband got off work at 1pm, and had the baby all day until I got home at 7pm, so he had no choice! 3 years later and he’s a pro! And he’s quite proud of that! You may be a stay at home mom, but I guarantee you that there will be times when your husband will have to change a diaper or 2. You may get sick and have the flu, you may have to pop out of the house for an hour to buy the groceries (you do not want to do this with 2 babies in tow!), etc… if your man thinks that he will NEVER be alone with his children, he will be surprised. (you never know, he may have them all weekend by himself for court-ordered visitation!)
7. Gently remind him of this.
8. Gently remind him it’s the cat’s fault. You didn’t take a dump on the floor. With my 1st pregnancy, I cleaned up the cat box. I put on gloves and wore a mask and everything was fine. Odds are I am immune as I’ve had cats my whole life. For some unknown reason, my husband took over the cleaning of the cat box about a year ago. I am 8 months pregnant now and it’s been FAB not having to do it!
9. I can see how unappealing sitting in a car that long would be. With twin babies. I’ll give him this one. It’s not as if having your family meet him is such a treat (for them). Bring it up again after you have the babies… you might even change your mind. Go without him if you must.
10. I’m sorry. He’s getting on my nerves too!
He sounds like such a catch- yeah not really. I am assuming he wasn’t always this way. Maybe this is just the way he is reacting to stress and nervousness of being a dad. Not really an excuse, but it’s all I can come up with. He better change his attitude right quick. I’m telling you, having ONE newborn in the house will test your relationship like it’s never been tested before. If there are any cracks…it’ll make them worse. My husband and I had/have such a solid relationship, but even we were bickering a bit. Evetually, we got a routine and things settled down….
You will soon learn that your babies’ needs come before your husbands when they are still newborns. After you’ve had 3 days/nights of no sleep and your husband says "I need some sleep can you keep it down?" You will bite his head off so fast, without warning and you WILL put him in his place.
For what it’s worth, I had a c-section too. No one could come help me. My husband could only afford to take one week off with me. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have 2 of them! My son was also very colicky and I had post partum depression. I really could have used my mom there! I had to return to work after I ran out of vacation/sick time because I could not afford to take unpaid leave. This meant I had to take the baby to his 5 day check up & back to the hospital for the PKU test… way before I was cleared to drive again. You gotta do what ya gotta do. I’m having another baby in 4 weeks, and this time my mom is able to be here. Thankfully!!
Good luck! Kick his a$$ for me.
Congratulations too!!!!
Filed under: Parents of Twins Support
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Are you for real? I really really hope not, because your "partner" is an asshole.
It’s obvious he doesn’t want to be married to you.
He doesn’t want a life with you.
He doesn’t want to be a father.
He has no interest in anything but himself and his world.
Honey, move home to your parents before the babies are born. If he cares, he will come after you, but I will bet dollars to donuts he doesn’t. Better to break it off now and travel home, then to have to pack up and do it alone with two babies in tow.
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1.) He doesn’t want to get married. If he can’t get up off the couch to run to the courthouse, he’s just not interested in marriage.
2.) The alarm clock thing really isn’t as important, or as bad, as some of the other thing this guy is doing. I would simply take my alarm clock back.
3.) Yes, I would be upset if my husband left when my parents were only going to be in town one day. Just another sign that he doesn’t want to be a part of your family.
4.) I understand you both wanting good sleep. There are the nights where I crash in the living room with our 3mo son, while my 3yr old daughter and husband sleep in our room (are daughter’s bed is located in our room as well). There’s nights where my son sleeps in his crib, my daughter and I in my bed, and my husband in our daughter’s bed. Some nights we’re all in the right beds. But, my husband would never *move* into another room and call it his.
5.) He wants you, your mother, and his children to hole up in a bedroom while he hangs out in the rest of the house? This guy is a douche. I really hate to say that, as I see way to much Daddy bashing on here, but seriously. From your descriptions, it sounds like he wants to live alone.
6.) This *man* has no interest in being a father. Sure, I sometimes have to prod my husband to change a diaper, but he wouldn’t dare (LOL) tell me no. He played a major part in the creation of these babies, so he needs to play a major role in parenting them.
9.) I would go on this trip without him. Sounds like he would just gripe and complain the whole way, so you would probably have more fun anyway.
I really hope everything works out for you and your little family. Having a new baby in the house is so stressful in and of it’s self, so you don’t also need to be stressing about the relationship between you and the father. Perhaps he’s just starting to freak out a bit as the due date gets closer and is taking it out on you? Maybe he’s starting to realize how much his life is about to change and is trying to cling to his more "convenient" life? If this attitude has just started, then I would say that has something to do with it. But, if he’s always been this way, then I would be cutting your loses.
So, long story short (sorry..haha) yes, you should be upset at your spouse.
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wow, i’m sorry you have to deal with this at 8 months pregnant….well at least you should be used to raising a child because that’s what it sounds like you already live with- a grown immature child!! he better wake up because both your lives are about to change a lot! maybe he’s having some anxiety about being a dad, or something like that, but that’s no reason to be such a dick to you! this is not 1950 where the woman does everything! you need to put your foot down and tell him marriage is an EQUAL PARTNERSHIP and he needs to do his part! let him read this question and answers- maybe it will open his eyes about how stupid and immature he’s acting! good luck to you and congrats on your twins!!
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Wow, if all this happened in the last few months, I wonder what the first 10 years have been like. Sounds pretty selfish and childish to me, good luck with that. You say a couple years back you let him loaf around the house for an entire year- it’s one thing if there were kids involved and he could be a caregiver, but it sounds like he’s basically gotten his way with things your entire relationship, so he probably thinks why should that have to change. In no way would my husbands needs come before our children, and if he thought that way he could find himself needing a new place to live.
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You are not being silly…. lets see if I can put my 2 cents in….
1. Are you saying he won’t marry you on his day off? What time would be better? Get married while he is at work? Maybe he should take an extra day off so that he feels rested enough to just make it down the aisle.
2. Buy your own alarm clock. Cheaper the better! (my alarm clock was 5 bucks at walmart. It’s small and pink and I’ve had it 3 years)
3. That was very inconsiderate of him. I’d be pissed too. How selfish and unkind to you.
4. Tell him to get over it. The name of the game is compromise. He wants his own room? His own $hit has to go along with him. To be fair, my husband and I don’t often sleep in the same room. He snores and he goes to bed EARLY cause he has get up for work at 2:30am. I either sleep in my son’s bed or the guest room. This works just fine for us and we are very happy.
5. He needs to get used to the fact that he is going to lose sleep. With 2 new babies in the house, NO ONE gets to have 8 hours beauty rest. I don’t care if he is the breadwinner. You are still going to need help after your mom leaves. In my situation, my husband was at work by 4am, so I really did most of the nighttime duties, but on his days off, I got to sleep in! I also work full time, so I went to work half asleep for months! Put your foot down. Your mom is there to help BOTH of you. he can suck it up for 2 damn weeks and be "inconvienenced."
6. My husband said the same thing. Not about it being my job to change diapers- because we both work, just that he wouldn’t do it. he said he changed his nephew’s diaper some 16 yrs before-once- and it was digusting and he would never do it again, And, while I was on maternity leave, I changed the baby’s diaper 100%. But, I had to go back to work when he was 5 weeks old. My husband got off work at 1pm, and had the baby all day until I got home at 7pm, so he had no choice! 3 years later and he’s a pro! And he’s quite proud of that! You may be a stay at home mom, but I guarantee you that there will be times when your husband will have to change a diaper or 2. You may get sick and have the flu, you may have to pop out of the house for an hour to buy the groceries (you do not want to do this with 2 babies in tow!), etc… if your man thinks that he will NEVER be alone with his children, he will be surprised. (you never know, he may have them all weekend by himself for court-ordered visitation!)
7. Gently remind him of this.
8. Gently remind him it’s the cat’s fault. You didn’t take a dump on the floor. With my 1st pregnancy, I cleaned up the cat box. I put on gloves and wore a mask and everything was fine. Odds are I am immune as I’ve had cats my whole life. For some unknown reason, my husband took over the cleaning of the cat box about a year ago. I am 8 months pregnant now and it’s been FAB not having to do it!
9. I can see how unappealing sitting in a car that long would be. With twin babies. I’ll give him this one. It’s not as if having your family meet him is such a treat (for them). Bring it up again after you have the babies… you might even change your mind. Go without him if you must.
10. I’m sorry. He’s getting on my nerves too!
He sounds like such a catch- yeah not really. I am assuming he wasn’t always this way. Maybe this is just the way he is reacting to stress and nervousness of being a dad. Not really an excuse, but it’s all I can come up with. He better change his attitude right quick. I’m telling you, having ONE newborn in the house will test your relationship like it’s never been tested before. If there are any cracks…it’ll make them worse. My husband and I had/have such a solid relationship, but even we were bickering a bit. Evetually, we got a routine and things settled down….
You will soon learn that your babies’ needs come before your husbands when they are still newborns. After you’ve had 3 days/nights of no sleep and your husband says "I need some sleep can you keep it down?" You will bite his head off so fast, without warning and you WILL put him in his place.
For what it’s worth, I had a c-section too. No one could come help me. My husband could only afford to take one week off with me. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have 2 of them! My son was also very colicky and I had post partum depression. I really could have used my mom there! I had to return to work after I ran out of vacation/sick time because I could not afford to take unpaid leave. This meant I had to take the baby to his 5 day check up & back to the hospital for the PKU test… way before I was cleared to drive again. You gotta do what ya gotta do. I’m having another baby in 4 weeks, and this time my mom is able to be here. Thankfully!!
Good luck! Kick his a$$ for me.
Congratulations too!!!!
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**UPDATE**
Just wanted to add that it makes me laugh when he thinks he should not be disturbed because he works 40 hours a week- so he has the right to get a full nights’ rest. I would love that too, I have to work 40+ hours! Most parents both have to work in this country and when there is a new baby in the house, BOTH parents are expected to share the load.
If he thinks working 40 hours a week is a real job (no matter the occupation) I guarantee you that taking care of twin newborns is MUCH MUCH more difficult and is more work. IN fact, he will get to escape the chaos everyday when he is at work. Work will be his haven. I know lots of men who put in extra hours at the office to avoid having to go home because taking care of a baby is a lot more demanding. I just want you to know that just because he is working a "real" job doesn’t mean that life at home is a cake walk for you. I think most people would agree that being a stay at home parent is the hardest job there is.
Do yourself and your babies a huge favor and leave him now. He has no interest in being a responsible father or husband and he will not change. You will end up feeling like you have three children instead of two. Do you have a good support network of friends or family close by? Is it possible for you to go closer to your parents or have them come closer to you? Please don’t be scared of handling two babies on your own-even if you stay with him you’ll be doing that anyway. On the other hand, if you leave, you’ll be doing it without the added stress of dealing with this idiot. Good luck and more importantly-enjoy your babies, because no matter what else is going on you will never get that time back.
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